Waltz #1
by Sparcck
Summary: During Endless Waltz, Duo learns to deal with life without Heero, and remembers why he started fighting in the first place. Shonen ai, yaoi. 1x2/2x1; implied 3x4


Waltz #1  
by [Sparcck][1]

Posted: 5 Dec 2000  
Rating: R  
Archive: Please! Just drop me a line and let me know where it's going.  
Genre: Angst, shonen ai, yaoi [1x2, 3x4(implied)]  
Spoilers: Endless Waltz mostly, but probably a bunch of episodes, too. Pretty much the entire Gundam Wing universe.   
Summary: During Endless Waltz, Duo learns to deal with life without Heero, and remembers why he started fighting in the first place.  
Disclaimer: Do I own them? Of course not. Will you sue me? I hope not. All characters, names, places, etc. belong to the Bandai, Sunrise, and Sotsu agencies. I'm not making any money off of them, please don't sue me, and so on.

Note: This is my first unbetaed story, but I'm pretty sure I edited the hell out of it. So enjoy!

Thanks: To Chrissy, for not only suffering with my Gundam obssession, but obssessing just a little herself. Aren't the boys beautiful? To [Shinigami.org][2], for providing me with such a lovely 1x2 wallpaper and for being an all around wonderful site and for all the great people at [Gundam Wing Addiction][3] who write the G-boys as lovingly as I hope I do. Haven't checked out these sites? And you call youself a Gundam fan...

Feedback: All comments, criticisms, flames, marriage proposals, and death threats should be sent lovingly to [sparcck@hotmail.com][1]. Much appreciated.

* * *

_Everytime the day darkens down and goes away  
pictures open in my head of me and you.  
Silent and cliché all the things we did and didn't say  
covered up by what we did and didn't do -  
going through every out I used to cope  
to make the repetition stop.  
What was I supposed to say?_

_-"Waltz #1", Elliott Smith_

* * *

**AC 198**

Thoughts of him hit me at the weirdest times, but the whole thing always feels like yesterday.

For the first time in my life, I was speechless. There were no words as I watched Heero take aim for the last time; anything I was meaning to say dried up in my throat, replaced by an anxious lump.

And when the Wing Zero all but dissolved before my eyes, the video feed breaking up in the hot glare of the explosion, I thought I'd never have words again, never be able to think through the horrible screaming that was echoing through my head.

He was gone. My eyes burned from the light, and I listened to the screaming that I had no control over, that no one could hear but me.

I look up from my study of the salvaged mech parts I'm supposed to be sorting through and see Hilde approaching. I stand and wipe my gloved hands together, watching almost disjointedly as she comes closer, a broad smile on her face, holding out a clipboard for me to look over.

I don't know what possessed me to invite her to be my business partner. 

I have even less of an idea of why I invited her to my bed, and it's been so long I couldn't even begin to remember what I was thinking at the time.

The paper she's pushed into my hands blurs as he explodes again and again in my brain.

I look up at her as she speaks and I can hardly stand the look in her eyes. I smile thinly. All I can think is that her hair is too dark, her face too animated, her eyes not the right shade of blue…

God…

Let me start over.

I knew we wouldn't be together forever. I had to know. He was just too perfect and flawed and beautiful all at once.

And we were soldiers; we weren't supposed to want happiness.

But we were happy after peace settled in AC 196. And that should have been enough for me.

I knew it wouldn't last. I knew that something would come up, and Heero would ask me the favor I'd been waiting for him to ask me since the war ended. He would ask me to let him go. And I didn't know if I'd be strong enough.

It's pretty funny, really, when I think about it. Me, Shinigami, afraid to let go, afraid of death. But it's easy to _be_ the God of Death; much more difficult to bow to him.

It was out ritual: Heero would ask me for favors. He would never tell me to do anything, even though he should have, you know, to keep up his Perfect Soldier façade. But, no, he would ask, knowing that I was the one person he _could_ ask, because I would never say no.

Dammit, why could I never say no to him?

I'll never forget that morning when he silently asked me the first favor in a string of favors that I knew would be the last he would ever ask of me. It was the question I had been dreading, the question I had managed to make myself believe would never come, with fake smiles and barking laughs and terrible jokes. 

Only he knew the me I was hiding. And he looked at me stonily when I started up, his left eyebrow lifting in what only I could tell was a mixture of amusement and melancholy.

Amusement and melancholy: Yuy style.

That's it, right there. That's where it would happen. And towards the end, there were times when I had to restrain myself from reaching a hand out and running a finger along that eyebrow.

He probably would have hurt me for that, no matter how much he cared.

* * *

**AC 196**

I leaned against the doorframe, just watching him as his fingers flew over the keys, the strings of data flashing glowing blue lines across his face.

He was talking to himself. He does that when he's concentrating.

"…deceased two years after her birth, father unknown…"

I was speaking before I even thought about it, something he had always admonished me about. Well, not out loud. But a patented Shut Up Maxwell look always conveyed the meaning he wanted.

"The world's celebrating Christmas and here's some guy working his ass off." I stretched my arms over my head, and delighted in the brief wander of his eyes over my body. I walked to him languidly, loving the look on his face.

I glanced at the monitor, at the name of the person he was researching. "You know, I had no idea Trowa had a niece," I said absently, more interested in the way his long fingers lay over the keys.

He was staring at me amusedly. "So the records say. But the Trowa we know isn't the real Trowa Barton."

Oops. I grinned. "Right. I almost forgot."

We sat in silence for a moment, and his expression changed as he watched me, the corners of his mouth drooping down. He stood abruptly and grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair, moving for the door.

"You going?" I asked, although I knew the answer. I had been watching the news when the report about Relena came in. 

I knew this was the moment; my insides twisted.

Heero paused at the door, then looked back over his shoulder, his face hard, his eyebrow raised so high it was almost hidden under his unruly bangs. "Yeah." He hesitated. "Relena's been kidnapped." He was out the door before I could say anything.

A little piece of me shattered quietly. Out loud, I laughed to an empty room. "Huh." I raised my voice, taking on the standard I'm a Laugh Riot tone "Well, well. Looks like someone's got a crush." 

I heard Heero's footsteps slow, then stop, and I caught a faint but distinct, "Omae o korosu." His footsteps came back and he stuck his head back in though the door. "Are you coming?"

Of course I am, you idiot. Of course I am. I love you. I could never say no. This is what you need to ask of me. I knew you would. But I wish-

"Of course I am."

"Good."

I grinned at him. "Whatever you say, Heero-chan."

He rolled his eyes, probably sorry he ever told me what that meant. "Duo..." he said threateningly.

I just kept grinning at him, and he finally cracked a tiny smile.

"Baka. Let's go."

Of course Relena had managed to get herself into a mess. 

No, I don't mean that. She was doing her job, and she was doing a good job. She's a good girl. Strong. Loyal.

But she wanted Heero, anyone could see that. And that was something I took exception to.

So we had to go after her. And even though I knew this was the beginning of the end, I thought maybe this was the one time my instincts were wrong. 

I prayed to a god I hadn't believed in for years that I would be wrong.

As we rode toward the colony, I stared out into space and my thoughts turned to our last real moments of happiness. I knew the battle ahead, and I knew my time with him was drawing to a close.

* * *

"Heero, turn off the light. I wanna go to bed."

"A few more minutes, Duo." I could hear him clicking away at his laptop. 

I was silent for all of all of thirty seconds when I sat up in bed and whined, "Heero-chan…"

His face appeared in the doorway, exasperated, but with a light dancing in his eyes that was only for me. "Duo, I told you -"  


He casually ducked the pillow I threw at him and it sailed over his shoulder.

He was gone from the doorway, only to reappear a few seconds later to toss the pillow back at me. He sat on the edge of the narrow bed, kicking off his sandals, and methodically undressed. I rolled onto my stomach and moved my feet to give him more room and myself better leverage to pull his shirt over his head. 

"I thought you wanted to sleep," he said, slipping under the thin blanket and pulling me against him.

"I do." I pressed kisses over his bare shoulder and smiled when I caught a soft sound from his throat.

"That's not sleeping, Maxwell."

"Nope."

He caught my chin and crushed his mouth to mine so hard I could feel his teeth behind his lips. There was an urgency there that I never felt before, and he yanked off the band that was keeping my braid together, tangling his fingers in my hair.

I pulled back. "Heero."

"Hn." He took my ear lobe between his teeth and smoothed my hair down my back.

"There's a change coming. Very soon, I can feel it."

He rolled me onto my back and scraped his teeth down my throat. "So serious, Duo."

I feigned hurt. "Oh, so only you get to do the silent hero routine? Pun intended, of course. You know, sometimes I think abou- Ah!" 

His hand had traced the path his mouth would take, skimming lightly down my chest and over one nipple. I shivered and brushed a hand through his hair.

I wanted to just enjoy it, what I knew was out last time together, but, as always, my mouth ran off ahead of me. "Heero, do you ever get scared?"

He paused, then rested his cheek on the flat of my stomach, his long fingers running along the waistband of my boxers. "I'm a soldier."

"So am I."

"So you should know the answer to that already."

"I get scared," I whispered, and was horrified to find my eyes wet.

He pulled himself up, over me, and pressed his chest to mine lightly, so I could feel his ribs rising and falling against me, slowly, slowly. "What are you afraid of?"

"Death," I said before I could stop myself.

He touched my cheek.

I turned my face into his palm. "I know it's crazy. I've been doing his work for so long, but I still can't..."

"You have to learn to let go; then he can't hurt you."

"Heero..."

"My Shinigami," he said softly and he kissed me again.

When we made love, it was gently and slowly. He pinned my hands to the bed, lacing his fingers through mine, as he moved inside me and I dug the back of my head into the pillow, thrusting my hips up at him. I was gasping for air, and I thought I would never be able to think again.

He was always so silent, but this time he was making soft noises and whispering things I couldn't make out, couldn't concentrate on through the feeling of him inside me.

Tears squeezed out from the corners of my eyes and I closed them, hoping he wouldn't see.

His thrusts slowed. "Look at me," he ground out.

I opened my eyes, and his face was so close, his breath hot on my face.

God.

I started talking and couldn't stop, needed to make sure he knew everything. "…Heero, ah geez, Heero, I want to… gotta… I- God. God, I love you, Heero, love you love you love you-"

And when we both came, he drew in a shuddering breath and cried my name sharply, painfully.

"Duo!"

He collapsed, his body a welcome weight against mine. 

My arms slid around his lithe waist, and I felt him shudder and start to shake. I smoothed his damp hair back from his forehead and skated a light breath across his ear.

"Ai shiteru," he whispered, his voice trembling. "Itoshi no baka. Ai shiteru."

I smiled.

He fell into an uneasy sleep, while I stayed awake the rest of the night, listening to him breathe. 

* * *

Staring out at the depths of space, I suddenly felt cold, colder than when I woke up this morning and he was gone. Colder than when I flipped on the news to see the report of Relena's disappearance. 

But not as cold as I knew I would be when I next crawled into a bed and it wasn't our bed, and it never would be again.

He was so silent next to me.

I started rambling. "We went through all that trouble just to obtain peace. Now somebody's gotta help maintain it, right?"

No response but the sound of his even breathing.

I turned to face him and he was fast asleep, his arms crossed over his chest, looking like he could jump up and fight at any moment. The Perfect Soldier. 

It was hard for people to remember sometimes that he was more than the Perfect Soldier, that he was human, too. He once told me, in a rare moment of naked emotion, that I was the only one who he trusted completely because I was the only one who had ever treated him like a human being, and that he fell in love with me for thinking he was infallible.

"Aa, you screw up all the time," I said teasingly.

"Baka," he growled, but his hands were stroking my hair and there was a tone in his voice that still makes my knees tremble.

Imagine Heero Yuy trusting only you in this whole world, loving only you. The thought filled me with a kind of awe.

I smiled and clenched my hands in my lap so I wouldn't touch him. _Not now._ "If you wanted to sleep," I said softly, "why didn't you just say so?"

The ensuing battle to get into the colony was a blur. I was Shinigami, even without Deathscythe there with me, and I could practically see Heero wrapped in the wings of Zero.

This is too soon.

Over the hail of gunfire and explosions, as I barely eked us past a collision with an enemy mobile suit, I shouted, "Am I impressive, or what?"

Heero didn't miss a beat. "Yeah, I was counting on your skills right from the start."

I winked at him as a stray blast from a buster rifle hit our right wing. "You've just made my day."

He really did, but I knew I was good. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me as we maneuvered past suit after suit, the cannon fire missing us by a hair's breadth. 

Later, I would silently thank Sally and Noin for backing us up after me and my big mouth told them we could handle it. 

There were two mobile suits ahead, our last adversaries before entering the colony. "Hold on tight," I shouted. "I'm gonna punch through!" I hit the propulsion tank deploy and our shuttle detached, the tank slamming into the mobile suits and exploding around us.

"Outta my way," I cried as we screamed through the blast. 

We screeched to a halt on the tarmac and quickly scrambled to get to our stolen suits that we had taken along for the ride.

"I am Shinigami," I whispered, staring up at the Leo that would replace Deathscythe for the rest of the battle.

Behind me, Heero brushed a light hand over my shoulder, the feeling shooting through me even through the heavy suits we wore. "We meet up later," he said. "At J7-53."

"Right." I stepped towards the Leo, feeling off-balance and unprepared.

He caught my arm. "Accept what you have no control over."

I stared at him and was suddenly very tired. 

"Shinigami or not, you will survive this."

"I-" My voice cracked. "You getting soft on me, Yuy? Just get out of here, okay? We have a war to prevent."

He nodded sharply and turned away, gracefully hoisting himself into his own Leo. 

I was so afraid this would be it. And later, when Trowa sent two missiles straight for me, I was almost relieved, knowing the Leo would never be able to handle the impact. I flashed back to when I first stole my beloved Gundam from Operation Meteor, flashed back to why I was doing this in the first place. 

"So this is the end," I laughed, echoing my own words of long ago, from what seemed like must have been another life. 

"I'll gladly become Shinigami, if it's for the peace of the colony."

Had I really ever said that? 

The missiles neared, and I really thought it was the end. I flashed to what had given my life meaning at last after years of war and casual acceptance of killing, and part of the relief I felt was in that I wouldn't have to let him go, that I would never know life without Heero Yuy.

So I closed my eyes, and I waited for the final moments. 

The Leo shuddered as the missiles passed overhead and rocked forward when two holes were blasted in the ground behind me. 

I was alive, Trowa's mobile suit was gone, and there was a block of ice in my stomach that told me this wasn't even close to being over. 

* * *

We did meet at point J7-53 later, and I was so happy to see him that I couldn't help myself from grabbing his hand and holding it as hard as I dared when he tried to give me a pair of binoculars. 

He squeezed back and I exhaled a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding.

"Heero, I - Arigato."

His eyes softened and he ran slim fingers over the inside of my wrist. "Don't thank me." He paused, then added, "Especially if you're going to botch the pronunciation like that."

I laughed despite the grave matter at hand. "Was that a joke, Yuy? An honest to god joke?" I raised a hand to his head. "Are you feeling okay?" I turned solemn before saying, "Or should I say, daijoubu ka."

He groaned to cover a smile. "Daijoubu, baka. How many more lessons am I going to have to give you before..." he trailed off, and I'm not sure I've ever seen the look on his face before.

I mean, I've seen it before on other people. But uncertainty and Heero Yuy didn't mesh. Ever.

I drew his hand against my chest and clasped it there, trying to convey everything I felt for him without saying it. 

He caught the end of my braid in his other hand, and wound it around his fingers, rubbing his thumb across the taut strands. He looked me dead in the eyes. "We have a war to prevent." 

My words. They sounded so much better from him.

"Yeah, we do." I sighed and reluctantly released his hand. "So where is this girl anyway? I mean, how much trouble can one person get into? Geez."

I followed Heero's gaze out over the colony to a helicarrier that was heading west. I raised the binoculars to my eyes and was able to make out the silhouettes of two slight figures sitting across from each other.

"Mariemaia?" I asked.

Heero nodded, not taking his eyes off the craft.

I looked again, calculating distance and approximate flight speed. "There's no way we could catch that. They seem to be heading towards the space port." I paused, the chill that was formerly centered in my stomach sweeping out through my limbs. The binoculars trembled in my grasp.

"They sure are in an awful rush for somebody going to earth."

"That's because they're planning to escape." His voice sounded odd, a little too flat, even for Heero.

My Heero.

Dammit, not now.

"Escape?" I glanced sideways at him. "Then why did they bother taking over this place?" I was proud of how calm and detached I sounded.

"Hn." 

He was maddening, sometimes, in his stoicism. And there was a niggling suspicion in the back of my mind about what that unintelligible sound meant. I didn't want to face it, so instead I rounded on him, begging him to tell me what I was thinking was wrong.

"Come on, Heero. She's _Treize's _daughter."

His fingers tightened visibly on the metal rail in front of him. "I'm more concerned about the man known as Dekim." He seemed to hesitate. "I know the name Dekim Barton from… somewhere."

A memory hit me, one of Heero's nightmares that he'd woken from yelling hoarsly: The way they trained him, who had trained him. Add to that the way Trowa, the former Nanashi, had become a Gundam pilot after the assassination of the real Trowa Barton...

It all clicked together and 

Oh, god, no.

the chill seeped into my bones

Please, no.

as I was forced to confront what was happening.

Why now?

The Bartons, the hostile takeover, the hasty departure, the Gundams: it all made sense.

"Y - you can't be serious." I half reached for him. "They're really planning on going ahead with Operation Meteor?"

Yeah, it all made sense. It also meant we were sitting on what may as well have been a time bomb. They were going to drop the colony onto the Earth.

We tried so hard to stop them, and now we were back where we started two years ago, except this time I didn't want to go to battle, this time I had something to live for. Something real, something other than revenge. 

Of course it had to be now.

I knew I was being selfish and nearsighted. But at that moment, I didn't care.

But Heero, reckless, selfless Heero, was willing to die if it meant peace. No, not just willing - he relished his part in it, yearned to fulfill a destiny he wasn't even sure he believed in.

At that moment, as I'm sure what were a hundred different emotions passed over my face, he looked away, looked towards the helicarrier, towards the Earth.

"I'll do all I can to stop them."

Not "we". "I".

My arm dropped limply to my side.

The same moment, his hand shot out and grabbed the back of my neck, dragging me towards him.

At first, the kiss was hard and desperate, his tongue parting my lips and sweeping into my mouth. I kissed him back with all I had, and I hooked my thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans, pulling him tightly against me.

His lips softened after a moment, and he tilted my head to the left, framing my face with his hands, fingers burrowing into my hair.

He'd never been even the slightest bit affectionate in public. But now he was murmuring things in Japanese against my mouth and couldn't seem to stop kissing me.

Or maybe it was that I couldn't stop kissing him, couldn't stop myself from pulling his shirt from his waistband to touch the skin of his lower back, couldn't stop myself from pushing my fingers into his hair to hold the back of his head, the silky strands sliding against my palm and bringing the sting of tears to my eyes.

No time. There's no time.

He gently pulled away, breathing hard.

I let my hands trail off of him, running my fingers over his hips, up his sides, over his sternum.

"Arigato." He smiled sadly.

"Right back atcha, man," I said, even though my heart was breaking. I've never felt pain like that before, like my insides were on fire, like I wanted to run as far as I could away from all of this, like it would never stop hurting to remember this moment, but it would surely kill me if I forgot.

Later, running for the colony's control room, I had to force Heero out of my mind, just to make it through. I couldn't think about how he felt racing along beside me, how he sounded yelling at me to hurry up, how he smelled when I bumped into him after he skidded to a halt outside the control room door.

How can the scent of mech parts and spent ammunition make my heart ache, when thoughts of war and destruction are so far from my mind? How does he manage to make even my worst associations into good memories?

The acrid smell of the smoking rifle he was holding reached my nose and I inhaled deeply.

The doors slid open.

"What took you so long?"

Trowa, on the other side of those doors, certainly was a shock. And here I thought I was beyond being able to feel anything besides grief. Thank god for Trowa.

"How 'bout that?" I laughed, a true laugh, and even Heero cracked a faint smile. "Our objectives ended up being the same, after all."

"Give me a hand," Trowa said. "They've got quite an extensive lock on the system. It's taking me time to reestablish the colony's stability."

"Right, right," I said, giving the impression I stopped listening about three words in. It was almost a reflex now, and it was something that drove Heero crazy. For his part, he just grunted.

After a moment of tense silence, punctuated by our frantic clicking, Heero's voice sounded, hard and sharp. "We'd better hurry. They've already started sending in troops to Earth." 

I glanced over my shoudler at him, the strings of data flashing glowing blue lines on his face. 

"The world's celebrating Christmas and here's some guy working his ass off."

Stop it, Maxwell. Get a grip.

My voice came from far away, as though I were standing outside myself. "I can't delete the final lock. We'll need to reconnect the lines directly."

Trowa's voice was even farther away when he spoke, and I lost track of what was happening. The world was fragmenting around me. Time was slowing down, but I was on overdrive, moving too fast, could see the end from where I sat

Stood?

and there was a dull pressure in my chest that was making it difficult to breathe.

I caught Heero's eye and he shook his head almost imperceptibly, then looked meaningfully at Trowa.

"A few more minutes, Duo."

"Duo, I told you-"

"Baka."

"What are you afraid of?"

"You have to learn to let go…"

I blinked, and everything slammed back into normal speed.

"Okay, we're done," Trowa said, flexing his fingers.

Heero caught my eye again, and he inclined his head slightly.

_Yes, we're done. _We had hardly even started.

I saw my arm reach out, saw myself press the comm link, heard my voice, far away, so far away. 

"This is Duo. We've stabilized the colony and are finishing up here."

"Are you positive?" Sally looked slightly dazed from the news.

Noin had a similar expression on her face, but I could see the sparkle in her eyes. "You guys _stopped_ Operation Meteor?"

I grinned. "Tag, you're it." With a wink, I cut the connection. 

My skin of my face felt papery and cracked, and I wondered briefly if anyone noticed.

Voices from outside now, the dull thud of metal on metal. "We have you completely surrounded. Come out with your hands up!"

Trowa closed his eyes. "It's over."

Over over it's over all over.

"Not necessarily," I said brightly. "I've got some mail from Quatre."

My eyes were hot and dry as we all watched Quatre's message. _It's so close now_, I thought. _So close and _he's_ so close that I can feel his heartbeat from over here and I have to take it all in now because later-_

"This is Quatre. I have just redirected the resource disposal satellite towards the Earth."

There was a brief moment of silence where we all stood sort of at a loss, like we hadn't expected to really make it this far with so many options.

"Hey, Duo." Heero's voice was like electricity down my spine. I relished the sound of my name rolling off his tongue, and I let it seep into my pores, wanted to take him all the way inside of me, protect him, keep him with me.

"Send Quatre a message," he continued. "Tell him to send Wing Zero in the HES-88 direction."

"Are you kidding?" I couldn't help the shock in my voice. 

Please, not yet. Not ever. Please.

I looked frantically to Trowa, who was also looking at Heero with a look of mild surprise on his face.

Heero looked calmly back at me, speaking steady words, but telling me something different with his eyes. Telling me it was going to be okay, that he knew what he was doing. "I'll pick up Zero in space. I'll save time that way."

See, Duo, baka, perfectly logical. No need to fret. We knew this day would come, and it's here now, and everything's going to be fine.

_Heero no baka. _My_ baka…_

"Open the door! Open it now!" They were getting louder outside, but hadn't yet broken in. Ah, formal training could be such a bitch.

"Heero, why don't you take the shuttle in the fourth hangar?"

Heero nodded crisply, still looking at me.

"Duo," he said, his voice smooth, so smooth. 

It's going to be okay.

"I have another favor to ask you."

If I hadn't been numb, I think I would have shattered. _Not just another favor, koi, one last favor. _The_ last favor._

I crossed my arms and looked at the floor, knowing the false smile I had plastered onto my face would have looked just that. "What's the matter, huh? You're suddenly asking me all these favors."

Trowa looked down.

Heero took a step closer to me; I could feel the heat of his body radiating off of him.

"Ai shiteru."

"Hit me. Now."

"Nani!?" 

Trowa looked up at that, and I do believe Heero smiled. It broke my heart and eased my pain to see it.

"Have you gone crazy?"

Those idiots outside were still yelling. "Never mind! We'll tear down the door!"

Great, get balls now, why dontcha?

A few more moments, please. How do I do this?

Heero growled. "Hurry. Up." 

I rubbed my knuckles in a big show. "Well, you asked for it. I'll give you my best punch."

I wound back, and I read the look in Heero's eyes. He didn't want to go, but he had to. 

How dare you ask this of me!

His gaze never wavered from mine.

In a wild burst of anger that I hadn't even seen coming, I curled my fist into a tight ball and struck out blindly, as hard as I could. My knuckles crashed into Heero's cheek

His beautiful cheek.

and I thought I heard something crack.

How dare you! How dare you leave me!

I was breathing hard and staring down at him and I didn't even see the punch coming, didn't see his fist before it flew up to catch me just under my ribs.

All the breath was knocked out of me and I stumbled forward, my eyesight going dim.

Heero caught me. Caught me and held me for the briefest of moments that I will remember as a lifetime.

I buried my head between his shoulder and his neck and I inhaled his rich sent of metal and gunpowder and _Heero_ and I whispered, "Why? Why why why…" I grasped his arms, clinging to them for dear life, even as I felt myself slipping down into blackness.

I was screaming inside.

He rested his face against me for a moment, his cheek soft and smooth and so warm, warm like the inky darkness that was swallowing me as he held me for the last time. "For your own good," he whispered. "That's one for one."

"Was that a joke, Yuy? And honest to god joke?"

"Ai shiteru."

"I'll gladly become Shinigami…"

"My Shinigami."  


"I'm a soldier."

"I'm afraid."

"So am I."

"I told you-"

"…love you love you love-"

My world narrowed to the feeling of his breath feathering across my face and his arms around me, and then there was nothing.

* * *

I woke up not so long after, the feeling of the tops of my feet being dragged along the ground and two sore spots in my armpits from rough hands jarring me awake. I took a gasping breath as the movement stopped suddenly and the hands hauled me upright. I immediately started coughing, the air hot and dry in my lungs, my midsection burning. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.

Then I remembered that someone had. 

Then I remembered what was happening, and I almost wished I had stayed unconscious. No, not what a Gundam pilot should be thinking, but it's what I thought, nonetheless. 

The door in front of me looked like every other prison cell I'd been in since I first went to war over two years ago. And inside, I started panicking, because I didn't want to be trapped in that little space; I knew this time, there wouldn't be anyone to save me, that Heero wouldn't show up waving a gun in my face only to drag my sorry ass to safety mere moments later.

"I was destined to be killed by you."

I steeled myself as the door whirred open and I was pushed inside. It wasn't two years ago, and I knew how to save myself now.

I looked back as I stumbled into the tiny room and caught Trowa's eye. There was something undefinable there, an apology, maybe, a stray thought about Quatre that softened his face for a split second. _Imagine having to send Quatre off to die, Trowa. Imagine it, imagine being stuck in this cell, waiting for the other half of you to be ripped away._

He inclined his head slightly towards me then looked away, an odd look on his normally impassive face.

I remembered what he looked like when I found him in the circus after we thought he'd died, and I realized it was the same look, if only for a moment. Fear. He was afraid. 

"Don't you worry about me," I said as cheerfully as possible, my lower lip cracking and bleeding from a fresh cut; one of those cowards had probably hit me while I was out. "I'll be just fine."

"Shut up."

My stomach screamed in agony when the soldier closest to me rammed the butt of his gun into my gut, and I fell to my knees, wheezing.

"Stop," Trowa said. He pulled the soldier away and stood over me for a second. He gave me a long look. "Later."

The soldiers must have thought he was talking to them, because one of them smiled, a nasty smile, and I hoped he was one of the ones who would be guarding me, because I was definitely going to be ready to bust heads when I got out of there.

I looked up at Trowa and winked at him, one hand still clucthing my stomach. 

He smiled and I started to wonder if the war wasn't affecting us a little more than we had thought; I don't think I've ever seen him do that before.

I realized I knew practically nothing about the Heavyarms pilot, and I decided that we would all need to sit down and really talk once this was all over.

The door slid shut behind them, leaving me to darkness marred only by a few lines of light that were coming though the small, barred window in the door. My stomach was on fire and I fell to all fours, lowering myself slowly to the ground. _Just for a moment, just until I can breathe again_. I told myself that the pain was all physical and had nothing to do with the battle ahead.

"Let's see," I said aloud to the quiet cell. "Quatre should be here shortly…" I reached into my hair and pulled out two pins attached to a small explosive, smiling grimly through the blood that flooded my mouth from my split lip.

_Quatre would be here shortly_, I repeated. Which meant that Heero had already picked up his Gundam.

I clenched my fist for a second, the sharp pins digging into my palm. It always came back to him. Always.

* * *

"Put that thing to good use," he said, grabbing the end of my braid to steady it as he tried to shove a lockpick into it.

"Good use?" I spun to face him, striking a dramatic pose. "I thought you had already found one of those." I batted my eyelashes, and the indomitable Heero Yuy acually blushed, a faint red staining his cheekbones.

He wordlessly tugged me into him using my braid as a leash and I laughed before his mouth covered mine. He pulled back and eyed me sternly. "If you use it like _this_ in battle, we're going to have to have a serious discussion."

Instead of answering, I kissed him again, my tongue thrusting into his mouth, and backed him up against his desk, bending him slightly back. "Hontoo ni?" I breathed.

"Soo." And he grinned wickedly. 

* * *

I shook my head and jammed the pins into the cuffs on my wrists, making quick work of them and snorting softly as they fell to the floor.

The explosive was the next part of the plan, and I licked the back and stuck it on the door, where I knew the locking mechanism was. Thirty seconds later, and explosion sounded, blowing the lock and getting the guards' attention - one of them that nasty one, I noted. Grabbing the doorjamb, I hauled myself up and swung back and forth to build up some momentum.

On my fourth swing, I extended my legs and, with a grunt, slammed into the now unlocked door, splintering the metal off its hinges and sending it crashing into the two unsuspecting guards. 

I dropped lightly and posed in the destroyed doorframe. Despite what I knew was happening at that moment with Heero, I had to smile - sometimes it felt great to be a soldier. 

I met up with Trowa on the carrier he had commandeered, yelling something about him dropping the ball on my rescue, not like I couldn't have done it without him. 

"I wasn't waiting for you," he said, the ghost of a smile on his face.

I turned to see Sally behind me and I feigned insult. Really, I couldn't have cared less. I knew Trowa wouldn't have left me behind, and I had other things to worry about. 

Like where Heero was. 

Like whether or not he was still alive.

Like wondering if I was ever going to see him again.

Outside, I was back to my usual self, exchanging barbs with Sally. Well, maybe she was the one doing all the insulting. I just stood there in a huff, unable to think of anything to say.

I was more distracted than I thought.

Trowa was looking at me again, and this time I knew he was thinking of Quatre.

Oh, man, Trowa, I would never wish this on anyone. Not anyone.

We met up with Quatre sometime after that, although in my worry I sort of lost track of time. My breath hitched for a moment as I stared up at my beloved Deathscythe. _Dammit, Maxwell, keep it under control._

Be a soldier.

"I'm a soldier."

Quatre broke into my thoughts. "Are you both ready to go?" 

"Yeah. Anytime you are." I was a soldier, I had to keep reminding myself of that.

"I'm a soldier."

"So am I."

Before I could spin away into the past, Shinigami came to my aid and I slipped into battlemode, the lost boy who missed his lover fading into the background.

So we headed off into battle for what would be the last time, one way or another.

Sandrock landed first, and Quatre took out three mobile suits with a few well-placed swipes with his blades, taking out the weapons, but not killing the pilots.

This was the way we had decided to play it. More effort, more time, but we wouldn't kill anymore. 

Shinigami rose inside me and I could feel him desperately wanting to strike, to add more to his lost souls. 

I was next, Deathscythe landing as silently as his namesake, and just as deadly.

It felt good to fight, just go on autopilot and take out as many offending weapons as I could. I relished every one, laughing wildly as they were put out of commission. I could hear Quatre, gentle Quatre, in my commlink, telling me to be careful, to stay calm.

"Always, Q-man."

"I know, 02… Duo. Just humor me."

"Come and get it!" I crowed, rounding back to slice through two suits at once, right at the knee joints. They crumpled, and in the ensuing explosion, I didn't see another come up behind me.

"02," Trowa barked. "On your six."

I turned again, just as a buster rifle blast caught my Gundam in the midsection. My head slammed against the side of the cockpit, and there was a sharp pain along my jaw as the flesh was torn.

"Gotcha, 03," I gritted out between clenched teeth, a half laugh, as Shinigami swung his scythe again, catching the suit in the head, just above the cockpit. It swayed for a moment, before crashing to the ground.

I could taste copper, blood oozing down my face thickly to pool in the corner of my mouth. I let go of the controls, and was taken unawares in that split second, Deathscythe stumbling back in the heat of the blast. Suddenly, the Tallgheese was standing between the mobile suit and my Gundam and had disarmed it bodily, thrusting its thermal blade into it and throwing it back about two-hundred feet.

"Gundam pilots," Zechs crackled through our commlinks, "You've done enough now. You must leave us and get out immediately."

"What?" Quatre was the first to protest, a leader through and through. "Get out?" He said something under his breath in a language I couldn't understand, a curse from the tone of it. 

There was a stifled chuckle from Trowa, and I would have laughed, too, if I hadn't felt like my face was split in half.

"If we were fighting to destroy," Quatre went on, "We would have been done long ago. But if we did, then there would be no meaning at all in our coming back here."

So what is the meaning, Quatre? At the end of this, you get to go home with Trowa. Why does my dream have to die?

"My Shinigami."

My skin itched.

Noin sounded distressed, like she was pleading with us to get out. She still saw us as children, still thought we were innocents. "But at this rate, you'll die in vain!"

Now I intervened, the thought of any of us Gundam pilots as innocents both striking me funny and causing me a pang of heartache. "If we'd planned on retreating, we would have been gone." Heero flashed in my head, and my voice dropped. "I know it'll be tough to continue fighting." 

It shouldn't be this hard. Wouldn't be this hard for the Perfect Soldier.

"We used to be just like them, Duo," Trowa said, throwing off a mobile suit that had launched itself at him. "They've been coaxed by Dekim into believing that their only purpose in this life is to fight battles."

I flashed to the night I stole Deathscythe, when I made my decision.

"Better to be Shinigami than a weapon of mass destruction."

My fingers clenched the controls. He was right; we had all been trained with that as our goal, the battle. Outside of that, I had thought I was useless.

But then, I had found meaning. In life, in death, in the battle, and in him.

Noin wouldn't have it. "But you'll _die_."

"Hey, don't worry about it," I said flippantly, hoping the other pilots would understand just how serious I was. "We've gotten pretty good at these losing battles."

My true words were left unsaid: because it was all one losing battle. No one could win here.

And with that, I propelled Deathscythe into the fray, slamming into three more mobile suits. I was swinging my scythe with a frenzy now, unable to discern myself from Shinigami.

Quatre took down two suits, albeit a little less forcefully. "And that's why we've always been able to remain as ourselves."

Ourselves. Myself.

I am Shinigami.

"My Shinigami."

Perhaps we were one and the same, after all.

"Accept what you have no control over."

So if I'm Death, then let me embrace it.

My scythe was losing power, so I just let it go. "I've got nothing left," I said, the double meaning sharpening an edge to my voice that I had never heard. "But our self detonating devices could take out about half the remaining suits." I paused. "Whaddya think?"

Quatre was surprisingly silent.

It was Trowa who said, "No, detonation should be done away from them. We must limit casualties to just ourselves."

Ourselves.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." But I didn't believe it. That edge was still there, charging my skin with electricity.

There was something scratching at my core, trying to get out.

There was a blip on my radar. "Above us," I said, my heart stopping. I touched a small square panel of space that showed on my HUD to enlarge the area. 

A Gundam. _His_ Gundam.

Ice water spread through my veins, and the boy inside me started screaming. _He's alive he's still alive!_ Shinigami hushed him and a calm settled over me.

"Wing Zero!" Zechs said, almost in surprise. 

A small smile twisted my lips.

"Heero," I barely heard Quatre whisper. 

There was a grunt from Trowa.

We opened our communication channels as Zero hovered over the bunker. I needed to know what was happening, needed to hear Heero's voice.

"…confirm: Your shelter sheild is activated?" Heero's steely monotone shot through me, pooling in my stomach. 

"What are you planning?" That was Dekim.

Heero said again, "Your shelter is secure, is it?" 

_God, that voice._ I knew what he was planning to do, knew it would cost hundreds of lives, but at that moment, all I wanted was for us to get out of there.

Now a child's voice sounded, high and thin. Mariemaia. "Of course it is. See for yourself how powerless you really are."

I smiled. _Heero, powerless? I think not_.

He proved it seconds later.

"Roger that." His voice betrayed what I knew to be a smirk, and a shiver raced down my spine.

Please get through this.

Heero's beam cannon powered up and he let loose with a blast that rocked our Gundams and we weren't even near the base.

Please, please get through this.

The arm holding the cannon was charred and smoking. I touched an area on my HUD to enlarge the picture of Wing Zero, and I saw it stutter slightly as is powered up again.

It flew back from the recoil, and the earth around the bunker exploded upwards. 

Oh, God, please.

I swung my eyes back to Wing Zero, and I gasped.

The Gundam was sparking wildly now, ropes of electricity banding across its surface, wrapping around and over.

I knew that one more blast would destroy Zero, and Heero along with it. I also knew that he wouldn't have it any other way.

"Video commlink to 01," I said steadily.

Heero's face appeared full screen on the display. "Nani? Duo…"

I raised two fingers to my forehead. "Just wanted to say goodbye. Well, see you later, really."

He grit his teeth as a spark flew up from his control panel, burning his hand. Then he looked at me with pained eyes that wasn't from anything that was happening in his Gundam. "Duo…" he said again, trailing off as his target lock sounded. "Locked on target," he said absently, his eyes never leaving mine.

I reached out to the screen, my hand shaking from what I told myself was the aftershock of bullets grazing Deathscythe's left shoulder. My fingers brushed the cool surface of the fiberglass, tracing his cheek lightly, imagining something wamer, softer, imagining the curve of his cheek under my hand, the give of his mouth.

Heero's target lock rang out shrilly, a warning that the bunker was moving out of his scope. He closed his eyes, and said my name again, but firmly, with a finality to it. 

"Duo."

It made my stomach twist and a rush of thoughts flooded my brain in the next second that I couldn't stop, images melding one into the next until I thought I would go crazy. It was the sound of my name on his lips when he came, the tilt to his head when he was thinking, the look on his face just before he would have admonished me about something or another if I hadn't kissed him first, the sharp intake of his breath the first time I touched his bare chest.

Deathscythe rocked with another blast and I withdrew my hand from the screen to grab my controls and steady my Gundam.

My head had gone still, the images stopped.

"Wakatta," I said suddenly. "Daijoubu." And I was surprised to find that I meant it.

He opened his eyes at my softly spoken Japanese, and a tender smile stole onto his face. "Yes. It is."

The connection cut, my screen a dead white slate.

Everything went into an odd sort of slow motion. My cockpit was still, so still, white noise buzzing from my comm display. Shinigami, waited patiently, wrapping me in a soft silence to cushion me against what we both knew was coming.

Heero's beam cannon powered up, seeming to suck in all the light around it, pulling in the distant specks of stars and the halo around the Earth.

And then the world exploded. 

"Heero!" I heard Quatre cry dimly though the commlink in my ear. I'm glad someone did, because I couldn't speak, could barely even breathe.

The boy deep inside me broke free and was still screaming as Wing Zero disintigrated in the blast; I could hear it even over the deafening explosion of Maremeia's bunker. There was light all around and I couldn't stop the screaming, wasn't really aware that it was me, until Shinigami took over again, forcing the boy down, quieting me with one hand over my mouth, another squeezing my heart.

I watched as Wing Zero crashed to the ground in total silence.

I will survive this I will survive this I will survive this…

* * *

**AC 198**

"Hm? Duo? Hey, Duo, are you in there?" Hilde is waving a small hand in front of my face and I blink hard.

"Aa, gomen," I say, and I think the words surprise me more than it does her.

She just looks at me oddly. "I said, I'm gonna go make dinner, okay?" She speaks softly now, and some of the light has gone out of her eyes.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Great, Hilde." I manage what I think is a smile, but I know I barely make it.

She turns slowly and walks back towards the house and I know she knows I've been thinking of him. We've never talked about it, but she must know that she can't compete with him, not even his ghost, so if she wants me, she gets that, too.

I wish she didn't want me. But then I'd be alone.

_Yes_, I think. _Then you'd be alone_.

* * *

**AC 196**

Relena was a little hysterical when we found them, screaming for Heero over and over, looking frantically around corners and behind milling soldiers. 

Quatre shook his head, saying something about the strain being too much for her. 

Normally, I would have been quick to agree; everyone knew what I thought of the former Queen of the World. But there was something there, something in her eyes, that made me think that maybe she wasn't just losing it, that she _had_ seen him.

I looked to Lady Une, who was standing silently by, her eyes also scanning the halls for something. Someone. She caught my eye and looked away.

But I couldn't bring myself to approach her, couldn't bring myself to find out if Heero really was alive or not. If she said no, I wouldn't have been able to take it.

Relena fell silent after awhile, after seeing the look on my face as I watched her yelling for my lover. She never spoke of what had happened inside that base.

I might have went a little crazy afterwards, too, and I tried to track down anyone who would know where Heero was, _if_ Heero was. I didn't sleep, I stopped eating. My whole life was to find him. 

Wufei, of all people, was the one who calmed me down.

"He died with honor," he said quietly, taking my hand in his and squeezing it. "It's the way he wanted it, the way we should all be so lucky to meet our ends."

I stared at him with eyes that were too dry, too hot, but I didn't cry. Not in front of him.

He must have seen something on my face that said I wanted to cry. "I can look away," he said, solemnly, but with a definite quirk to his lips.

"A joke! First Heero, and now you," I said and laughed. "Will wonders never cease?"

"Crazy American," he said and stood, pulling me with him. "Come. Quatre's worried sick and I have to meet Sally." He pulled on the neck of his Preventers uniform, looking vaguely uncomfortable. 

I reached out and undid one button before he slapped my hand away, trying to fight off a smile. "Do you never stop?" he asked.

"Never."

He laughed, and I wished he were staying around, so I could get to know him better. 

It was odd, us all going in separate directions. Somehow, this wasn't what I pictured life after the war would be. 

Wufei joined the Preventers, and I get calls from him time to time, muttering something about crazy women and their backwards sense of reason, but there was a look about him that I don't think I've ever seen, something softer that made his dark eyes sparkle.

The Dragon was finally starting to lighten up.

Trowa rejoined the circus, at least for a time, spending all his free time with Quatre. We were able to spend a little more time together, like I wanted, and only once did he ever bring up what happened that night on the colony, when he looked at me and saw his feelings for Quatre reflected in my eyes. It brought him out of his shell, however painfully, so some good came out of it.

Quatre, for his part, took over the Winner estate and industry, and was happier than I'd ever seen him. He would get this expression whenever he mentioned Trowa and no matter how glad I was for him, it always shot straight into my heart. But Quatre was always there, and he checked up on me frequently.

"Humor me," he'd say, every talk. "Come to the desert for a little while."

I always politely declined. _Soon. But not now_.

And me. I was waiting. I did other things to make it look like I wasn't, but that was the path I chose. Waiting. And some days, I found myself praying, stiffly, clumsily, but praying.

* * *

**AC 197**

My dreams of Heero were interrupted by a very real voice, or at least, one I thought was real. I was awake instantly and I swear - I _swear_ - I saw someone standing outside the bedroom window. 

Hilde snuffled when I moved, and I felt an irrational wave of revulsion. I untangled myself from her and pulled on an undershirt before moving as quietly as I could to the back door, hoping that whoever it was

Please let it be him

wouldn't have heard me coming.

When I got outside, of course, there was no one there. I remembered how I had acted after Heero died - _left_ - and I swore to myself that I wouldn't tell anyone that I had really, for just a moment, believed that Heero had come back to me.

But there were tracks in the dirt that I bent down to touch lightly, rubbing the earth between my thumb and forefinger.

"Duo?" Hilde's sleep-laden voice called from inside, and I straightened.

"Coming."

I told myself that the faint tinge of metal and gunpowder on the air was nothing more than the wind shifting, the scent of the salvage yard drifting uphill.

Even still, it was a few more minutes before I could command my heavy limbs to move and go back into the bedroom, where Hilde was sitting up in bed.

She smiled and turned back the blankets on my side. "Everything alright?"

No! No, nothing will ever be alright again.

"Just fine."

* * *

**AC 198**

I follow Hilde into the house and move ahead of her to hold the door open, before letting it smack into her rear. She turns and glares at me, and I grin charmingly. 

"Idiot," she says, half laughing.

She disappears into the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, "Dinner's in a little while. Go clean yourself up."

I slowly walk to the bathroom and wash my hands. The water runs hot, and my skin is getting red and puckered, but I can barely feel it. I stare at myself and the mirror, at my dim eyes, sharp cheekbones, and thin lips. _Is this it, then? Is this life after the war?_

I find myself in the bedroom, kneeling in front of the bed. _A bed_, I note, like I've never seen it before. _A bed._ _Not like when-_ A sharp shake of my head cuts off that thought.

There's a small, steel box under the bed where I keep some items from the war. I pull it out now without really thinking about it, and lay it on the bed, just staring at it, my chin to the comforter.

Minutes pass. So long that my knees are getting creaky.

My hands shake as I reach to open it, and I don't even try to pretend it's anything but memories. Just memories, rocking me, setting me trembling.

I pull out each item carefully.

My cross.

My white collar, that I haven't worn for over two years now.

My old hat, dirt practically baked into it.

A spoon I stole from Quatre's the first time we met.

One of Wufei's hairbands that I swiped from his room at a safehouse once when Heero had broken my last one in an effort to get it off.

A small throwing knife from the circus that I had taken when I thought it was the last time I would ever see Trowa.

A crumpled napkin with a now-blurry note, that I'm a little upset to find I can't remember the words to.

A photo of Heero and I.

I hold that one gently, just by the thin white edges. 

As usual, I have a wide grin on my face, and I'm ruffling Heero's hair, the fingers on my other hand curled around his wrist. He's wearing that half-scowl, half-smile of his, and is looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

I've just realized I'm smiling, and it feels odd after not doing it for so long. It feels good to know that even though Heero is gone, he and I will always be together, somewhere.

Hilde's calling from the kitchen, but it sounds muffled. The world seems so very far away. I'm caught up in the moment in the photo, and everything dims out except for him.

I kneel there a very long time, my head on the covers, until I feel a sort of spinny darkness come over me, and I close my eyes and see a place where my wait is over and Heero is there to greet me.

Deep inside me, Shinigami stirs, restless. 

_Soon_, I say to him. _Not now, but soon_.

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2000 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing.

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][4]

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://www.shinigami.org
   [3]: http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0
   [4]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



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